Just Some “Cheesy” Horoscopes

Alexandra Jorge, Staff Writer

Find out what type of cheese you are, entirely based on your respective star sign!

Aries(March 21-April 19): Parmesan!

  • Contrary to popular belief, your hard, gritty surface complements nearly anything you set your mind to; be it crackers or pasta, you’re fit to confront whatever obstacle life may grate you with. Unafraid of imminent danger, you sprinkle yourself daringly, and without regret.


Taurus(April 20-May 20): Provolone!

  • You’re that semi-obstinate guy who dedicates a school day to showing their friends a cheese horoscope. You’re sweet, but relaxed to a fault – a bit lazy, see, due to the four month period it takes for your cheese to actually get used to the fact that school started. All in all, you have good intention!


Gemini(May 21-June 20): Feta!

  • You’ve got yourself a hard head and a stubborn heart, you salty, salty cheese. A fiery spirit laced over that tangy aroma, you are both your best friend and worst enemy in any and all trivial teen-life problems. However, this sharpened determination fuels your refusal to accept failure without a proper fight.


Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cream Cheese!

  • I’m sorry you have to defend the fact that you are, in fact, categorized as a cheese at least four times a day. Combined with the soft, sweet cream and milk, you have a warm heart that people can’t seem to get enough of! You lean towards the sensitive side and cry a lot, but we get over these things, man.


Leo(July 23-August 22): Mozzarella!

  • When someone hears your name, their mouth curls into a smile (and, hopefully, they don’t start drooling)! A notoriously beloved cheese such as yourself is nowhere near conceited; in fact, you’re very humble about your fans, and the overwhelming amount of affection cannot possibly smother your creamy heart.


Virgo(August 23-September 22): Cheddar!

  • A classic cheese you are – and as such, you’re the trustworthy, go-to friend for anyone! Especially in their taste buds’ desperate time of need. Although you’re mild upon first glance(or, more fittingly, first taste), your tangy personality shines through once people get to know you better.


Libra(September 23-October 22): Brie!

  • So, you smell pretty strongly of ammonia – it helps ripen your character, y’know? Fellow cheesemates probably dismiss it because they care. You’re overly-enthusiastic about the world, people forget that your kind of cheese even exists, and you don’t mind when people misinterpret you as crazy.


Scorpio(October 23-November 21): Munster!

  • You’re not like most cheeses; you’re sensitive . . . misunderstood in this cruel, unforgiving world. Whatever sandwich you contribute yourself to, you put your heart and soul into it, paying no mind to what they say about your so-called “subtle flavor”. Also, your favorite holiday is probably Halloween.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Cottage!

  • Acquiring that sour taste of yours with bold confidence, you don’t give a swiss about what anyone has to say about you (or that slightly bitter bite you’ve got)! You float above criticism; your texture and taste issues are beautiful the way they are, and no cheese can tell you otherwise!


Capricorn(December 22-January 19): Swiss!

  • There are many holes to fill with that airy personality of yours, all of which adds to your rather mysterious character. Though you’re a bit savory, it’s important to appreciate those who took the time to get used to your distinct flavor – enough to acknowledge your sweet, sweet after-taste.


Aquarius(January 20-February 18): American!

  • Though you’re often mistaken for being distant, you’re simply independent. Nothing if self-sufficient, given the amalgamation of many cheeses combined to create a very enlightened you! You are the ultimate free spirit among the cheeses, eager to roam where no other cheese has ventured before.


Pisces(February 19-March 20): Gouda!

  • You crave wisdom and experience, earning yourself the aged taste of caramel, nuts, and butter galore. The older you become, with knowledge brushing against your fragile edges, the more your flavor sharpens; however, that soft, youthful texture never seemed to escape you, either.